The longer you leave something , the more everything just builds up. You just gotta smash that build-up. Let it go.
I’ve just got to stop this break, I’ve got to fill this gap. So many voids I avoid every minute, those people, those things, that point in time I can’t help but gravitate away from every minute, feel the pressure, pressured out. And so I’m held aloft on some linear progression from imagined lights to imagined lights, distant stars to distant stars the next day. One-lined mind descending and ascending but always forward, always looking forward to the next light i’m moved to.
I haven’t listened to any music in the last month. I have not listened to any music. The last song I really listened to was a song by my friend and I listened to it a lot. Otherwise, i’ve heard a lot of music, like I’m kind of overhearing it: in clubs and bars and pubs and on adverts, on streets, in shops, through the walls of my friend’s room, through the door, the ceiling when I’m eating breakfast in the kitchen, I hear it sometimes in my dreams, some eeriness in the background to blurry images that compile my sleep. I’ve had my earphones in my ears a few times, but it’s always always always that feeling where I just do not know what to put on, so much apathy, so much indifference, I really don’t care what noise comes on. I end up gravitating to the songs I loved this time last year, like some kind of contrived connector to help connect me to my external environment, the same old cold weather; the same old recycled feelings to colourise my days with last year’s shades. And so I end up mentally in some empty bedroom, overhearing something from my memory, through the walls. Wherever it is, those pubs, bars, clubs, shops, screens, walls, It’s always just noise, a distraction from me thinking about what i was originally intending to think, from me feeling what i was originally intended to feel. You won’t escape either, at some point in your day you will be reminded musically. You will be reluctantly reminded musically and you’ll be reset to this apathy.
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